So, I started Tai Chi

So, I started learning the gentle art of tai chi. In the middle of the Singapore heartlands with all the elderly Chinese exponents of the martial art.

Apparently, this can be paralleled to a Japanese man in the middle of the Scottish highlands learning how to toss the caber.

Speak good English campaigns are a load of tosh

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. A campaign to force encourage people to speak good English in Singapore is a load of tosh. What’s wrong with a ‘communicate better’ campaign instead?

Why? Because I feel that it is just asking too much for people who sprout Singlish (like a pirate?) to change it to ‘Her Majesties Unrealistic English.’

For example:

Me: Can I get some chicken on the rice as well as the char siu?

Hawker: Huh???

Me: Can you put chicken on my char siu rice as well?

Hawker: Harrr?

Me: Can I get extra chicken?

Hawker: Ahhh. ‘Add chicken’ ah?

Me: Yeah!

‘Add chicken’ isn’t exactly right, but it isn’t bad English, and by that I mean that I was able to understand him. When will the ‘powers that be’ realise that you can’t force Singaporeans to speak RP English even when the British people themselves can’t? Take the hawker for instance: he probably speaks good enough Mandarin plus some sort of dialect, plus a smattering of ‘can do’ English… how linguistically genius can a country expect its citizens to be?

An example of a website promoting ‘good’ English suggests the use of phrases like “Could you eat a little faster?” to replace Singlish such as: “Can you faster eat or not?”

Who on, the English speaking parts of, the Earth uses phrases like “Could you eat a little faster?” unless it is being used in a sardonic context when mocking someone who’s eating like a pig?

Just my, usually ignored and often deemed to be invalid, two cents; but MY two cents nonetheless.

How to Say Sorry in Singapore

After many years in this country. I have ‘deeply‘ analysed the correct ways to say ’sorry’ in Singapore:

If you’re genuinely not sorry: “Sorry”

If you’re not sorry and someone gives you a dirty look: “Sorry.. lah!”

If you’re genuinely sorry but don’t think it is a big deal (like you nudged into someone): “Sorry sorry”

If you’re genuinely sorry and do think it is a big deal (like you spilled someone’s coffee): “Sorry sorry sorry. Sorry ah.”

If you’re genuinely really sorry about some catastrophe you caused: “Sorry sorry sorry sorry! Sorry ah! Sorry… Ahh…”

Or

If you’re serving food in a restaurant: “Sorry sir; here is your food.”

Mark’s Mother-in-law’s Guide To Mandarin Chinese

Mark’s mother-in-law is probably one of the nicest ladies one could ever meet. In his earlier days in Singapore, Mark’s mother-in-law spent countless hours cooking home made Chinese food for him, and bestowed upon him the valuable life lesson that once you’re feeling full, that means you’re only using 10% of your stomach’s capacity and you will proceed to be fed until it reaches 100%.

She is also full of other life lessons. For example, take this important one about ordering sausages in public if you’re a ‘decent’ girl:

When ordering sausages in public, girls must ask for: “一个香肠” … and NEVER: “一条香肠.”

The Chinese language being full of wonderful particles, that change given the shape and character of the object being counted, pretty much makes the sentence that includes the counter for long slim things (条, tiao) quite naughty indeed doesn’t it?

Apparently this applies to bananas too, which are naughty in just about any language. Ah, the joy of linguistic enlightenment.

The SGFail Blog is Here

For all things FAIL in Singapore:

http://sgfail.tumblr.com/

I’m Not An Expat

I’m much much much more foreign than talent

Man I really dislike the words ‘Foreign Talent!’

Saying that. I’m not a Singaporean either. Far from it.

Beware of Vehicle!

When it comes. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!

When it comes. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Be Heard in Mandarin Campaign

So apparently not everyone in Singapore was as impressed as I was with the little ang moh kids’ Mandarin on this ‘be heard in Mandarin’ campaign:

APPARENTLY. Seeing little ang moh kids on television, with Mandarin better than theirs, causes young Singaporean kids to feel inadequate about themselves.

Adversely, if I saw little Chinese kids speaking English better than me (which is not difficult, trust me) would I feel the same way?

How about those three year old calculus geniuses that pop up from time to time in India too? My life would be a ruin if I were to think… “Oh no! I’m supposed to have some fancy degree yet these little three year old Indian kids pwnz my maths any day!”

Maids R Us

Usually I would joke about this kind of thing; but it appears to be very real:

"Its called Maids R Us, Maids R Us, Maids R Us!"

Why I would not want to be treated at House MD’s hospital

Apart from the team leader being a psychotic advanced stage Vicodin addict:

1. Constant insults from Dr House (although I probably need them… as do most of his patients).

2. The surgeons have absolutely no qualms about leaving you cut open whilst they go outside and have a discussion with their girlfriend.

3. Dating team members arguing about their relationship whilst treating you.

4. Doctors having random conversations about personal lives, complex mind battles between House and Cuddy/Wilson/Random team member in between them diagnosing your ailment.

5. Every single team member being drunk at a huuuuge stag party whilst you’re lying in your hospital bed in critical condition.

Last of all:

6. Everyone who goes into that hospital has some sort of seriously nasty and unprobable (but real) disease. Being referred to the hospital alone indicates that you’re pretty much in a bad way.